Knowing the Plans that God has in store for me

It is almost 10:00 am and Ive all ready had a busy day. And now that I am home and have some time I have been thinking about what God wants me to do.
I am looking for another job wither it be full time or part time with benefits. I am also considering how to save money to get a car, going back to school for physical therapy and massage therapy; but as I think I wonder if that is me thinking or if that is where God is leading. I have spent time in prayer and have spent time in the Bible and yet am I listening to Him or just going through the motions and still thinking and doing my own thing.

I know the Bible tells me that if we stop and listen He will let us in on His plans for us we just need to spend that time talking with our dearest and best friend instead of going all gong ho just because we think something and then put the spin on it that God wants us to do this.

Dear Lord,
Help me to get out of the way physically, mentally and spiritually and just spend time getting to know you and listening to what you have planned for me in this day, week, year and my entire life. We only live once so lets do it right the first time and live it up for your glory.



Hurts when you just need to be left alone

This morning I woke up to the thought that I need to leave. I need to leave FBC and a definite need to leave Clinton. I really don’t feel comfortable any more anywhere in this town. My anxiety/panic/depressive issues just will not allow me to have a normal life here.I really don’t feel comfortable with my church family. I walked away from a job I loved yes it was hard, but I am now way more miserable than I ever was doing that job. I am not one to make attention for myself and yesterday proved to me that I don’t want attention. I wish people would just forget I was ever a part of staff at FBC. I wish for right now people would leave me alone. I am very uncomfortable with any part of this life right now. I hope my FBC family  that reads this will just allow me space and time. I just don’t want or need ant attention at this point. I know you all care, but I just can’t deal right now.There is just too much guilt, too much hurt and too many emotional issues. Private prayers are appreciated, but for now that is really all I want. I hope you all know this really has nothing specifically to do with any one person it has more to do with just random crap that going on. At this point I think my last event with the FBC peeps is going to be the ladies Iron sharpens Iron conference. Not too sure about attending that the last conference or event I went to I came back totally messed up.Love just need for people to leave me alone for a while.

Frustrations in Ministry

You know it has been sometime since I have written. Some of that is I have written just felt I better not share with the whole world. This is one that I am probably going to do that same questioning, but these days people are just totally irking me.


The other day I just chose to not share something with someone then something got said or texted and I just blew. Shared what I wasn’t going to and then when they responded back I bluntly texted back are you going to help on those Wednesday evenings, are you going to bring your grandkids? No response. I then apologized for the reaction, but now looking back on it not really sorry. If you are going to complain about something you are not involved in then don’t do it to the one in charge or you may just be asked to take over.


Then that leads to todays issue of learning just how many of our own church people send their kids to other programs youth and even younger kids to other churches on nights our programs are meeting, but then they complain when we have nothing. You know if you and your kids are happier at some other church then go don’t sit the fence because then feelings and lively hoods get put on the line.


One other major pet peeve of mine is parents who sit in church and yet let their middle or high school aged students to run amuck in the church. They are old enough they need to be sitting in church not out having coffee hour. Sorry if you don’t like it, but when you are only there for social hour you are not getting out of the service. You aren’t at church for social hour you could do that somewhere else the purpose of being at church to have an experience with Jesus.


So there it is. Laid on line, if you read this on Facebook and unfriend me so be it, if you are offended maybe God is talking to you.


Until next time.

Here is my little lesson from the last week.

I don’t know how many of you still have your mothers here on earth, but I do and right now I can’t tell you enough how proud I am of her.

Yes this past Sunday we celebrated Mothers day and then last night my mother for the 2nd time in 10 years graduated from college with honors mind you. As if I am not totally emotionally on a roller coaster at this time in my life any way I actually got emotional at the ceremony last night. For those of you who know there are only certain people I show my emotions to and generally not in public.

As part of my job on graduation Sunday we celebrate all of our graduates the ones from 8th grade, high school and college. Well last night or early this morning I was up at 2:40 am thinking about what I was going to do for my mom. This year will be hard because that will be an emotional moment for us both. Ok getting misty now.

Thinking about this the bible tells us to honor our fathers and our mothers and you know what my parents are my best friends. Do I tell them everything No because they raised me to try to figure things out for myself. I don’t know what I would do without them and you know I would be really lost with out my mom.

I thank God for my parents and the lessons they teach me each day even at 32 years old that I may not realize is a lesson until I am older and maybe someday have a family of my own.

Thank you mom Love you.

Are We Missing the Boat?

Ok this is going to be kind of different and I would appreciate any feed back on this when I am done.

Here a couple of weeks back my other youth leaders and I were talking and we started working on a youth service well we don’t have a lot of youth that come on Sunday mornings so the kids we do have went through a curriculum a while back called Underground Reality Vietnam that was published by VOM (Voice of the Martyrs). Well on that I was thinking of doing a tag team service with our Missions and Evangelism board and doing a service on the Persecuted church.

After that I have just kind bits and pieced some things together working on this and two weekends ago the leaders and I went to a youth conference in Chicago called Dare 2 Share. Well the whole purpose behind this event is to teach tweens and teens how to share their faith and again there was this knock from God saying you need to do this. This service isn’t suppose to be until June, but the closer we get the more God is laying on my heart.

Today in fact after getting home from Bible study time with one of my good friends at one of the local coffee shops this hit me. This is where I would like some feed back is on this.

Do others see Jesus enough to 1. Follow Him or 2. Persecute us? You know the Bible tells us in many places that Jesus and his followers were persecuted and here is a verse to show what we should expect if we are true followers of Christ.

Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

—2 Timothy 3:12

So if people are not seeing Jesus in us to lead to one of the outcomes above then we are probably missing the boat. For some reason God has lit this fire in me that maybe here in the good ole US of A we take some things for granted that maybe we need to be a little more conscious about.

Just a little thought for the weekend.

David And Goliath an old story with a new lesson

David And Goliath an old story with a new lesson

Wow today I kind of got a few messages out of one sermon. Funny how God works like that sometime. Mom and I were privileged to go back to our former church a listen to a family friend preach about David and Goliath. Now you are probably thinking how you could get more than one message out of that story well let me explain.
The first one was to try and see the story through the eyes of God as if He were David. Now think about that for a minute go back and reread 1 Samuel 17 and read it as if it were a battle between God and Satan, or God and sin or whatever. See God as being David in the story and see Satan or sin as the giant Goliath. So new perspective.
The second thing I got was this. Here are all these grown-ups, army people who were even to scared to go up against the philistines even to the point that they were paralyzed by their fear and then there is this kid that everyone never thought twice about stands up and says I will do it. Now think about that for a minute. King Saul looking for someone to anoint and yet everyone looked over the meek lowly David. All these supposed leaders turned tail and ran and this little meek kid says to Saul in essence put me in coach I can do this. Wow.
The third lesson yes even the Old Testament is teaching us that age has no limit of who can be a leader. Yes we always look to the New Testament for example usually we look at 1 Timothy 4:12. We always have a tendency to over- look David in 1 Samuel for me I’m going to try to not over- look him anymore.
This family after going through his part of the lesson which is more about the first portion of this then went to the 23rd Psalm and he said now try looking at this passage through the eyes of David. Don’t look at it through eyes of death and sadness look at it through living eyes. Wow.
Those are some of the lessons I got out of the David and Goliath story today. Something that seems so simple yet profound and then wonder why I never thought of these insights before.

A Full pursuit to live with reckless abandon for God

This weekend for our leader training at Dare 2 Share the theme verse was Matthew 4:19 I so have a new appreciation for this. The whole insight that Simon ( Peter), Andrew, James and John literally gave up everything to follow Jesus. Back in those time everything was based around family and staying in the family business, but there for left their families, left their jobs, left their way of survival to follow a man who many thought was crazy. They gave up everything they had, they gave up everything and went on faith. Wow.

I am looking at the way the things of the world are now and wondering where things went wrong, or went off the path and the one thing I see is to many are turning their back on a God who loves them and needs them to pure love and truth. Right now even in these days and times we have people who are dying and or living with reckless abandon for God. These days and times there are countries killing and arresting and torturing people for their true relationships with God. Why you may ask? Well for one because God says in the Bible that “the though the world hates you it hated me first”. Well there are worldly people who are holding a Pastor in prison because of his relationship with His God.
Every day those people have to make a decision to either trust God enough to stand on His truth and then let what ever is going to happen to happen, or to say God I will only give you so much, but don’t take any more than what I am giving you. We here in America have no idea unless we have spent or spend any time in a country were these things happen.

The last few months I have been thinking about how spoiled we are here in the United States. We have a lot of different bible, we have all of these electronic apps, we have all of these curriculums, and bible studies and bible teachers and yet we show up on Sunday morning do what we consider to be our Godly deed for the week then go on about our business. This has really been hitting me hard and this weekend was no different.
I don’t know about you, but I need God to help me to live recklessly and to abandon everything for Him. I need to be more like those people in those countries who may one day be forced to say I am willing to die for my faith for my God, because He gave His son for me through birth into human form and then died to save me.
Dear God I come to you asking you to show me what I need to give up to live fully abandoned to you, show me how you want me to live in reckless abandon and pursuit of the relationship you want me to have with you. And help me to show others your Love, grace and mercy.

In Jesus Name amen.

Let me know what your thoughts are on living recklessly and in full abandon for God.

Post Easter thoughts

After this Holy week and all the emotions that generally come with it God sure found a way to amaze me even more. Got to have three more youth students accept Christ on Wednesday night, got to visit with some friends yesterday that we haven’t been able to see for a while. And another set of friends who planted a church a year ago easter sunday had their highest attendance and had 14 professions between both services yesterday. God is sure moving.

For me I am on a roller coaster as I have posted previously I have recently come to a point where I have some anxiety issues to work through. Well Wednesday night I had a friend come and pray with me before youth group time so I wouldn’t have another panic/ anxiety attack and to help keep Satan at bay. We were going to be doing communion, but also needed to give the kids a chance to accept Christ for those who had not previously done it. Well three students made that profession and then one of them came to me and asked me if I would baptize her? Wow

Today thinking back to what this past week represents and going back over the current events in my life and trying to focus on the events of the past one thing has hit me. Yes God loves us more than we will ever know, yes we go through hard times and sometimes we even question the God of love why He allows some of these things to happen. Well we as humans all have faults and failures, and sins that we hold against ourselves or we see things in others that drive us crazy yet God uses us and wants us despite our childish games and despite those faults, failures and sins. Why because sometimes other people will look past God, but if they see people who are trying to live out the faith that they profess to have it gives them a glimpse of what and who Jesus is.

I just got done thanking some of the leaders from when I was younger especially the ones that I knew from the church setting, because without them my ministry may not exist. I was shown the love of Jesus through previous Pastors and their wives, my former youth leaders who are now some of my most trusted friends and even current friends, leaders and family are still helping me to see who Jesus is and how to mold my ministry to the way He wants it. Everyday I am grateful for them.

So to me the Holy week is going to continue and in fact it should continue for us all through the entire year. Jesus death on the cross didn’t save us for one day it saves us for eternity if we accept Him as the way the truth and the life and let Him be lord of our lives.

I know He will continue to grow me in the way He sees fit, if that happens to be a youth director with anxiety issues for life so be it, if it means taking the next step up in ministry and the anxiety is gone so be it. I want Him to be in control.

Defining Moments

In my life there have been four major defining moments in my relationship with God. The first was when I was 12 and accepted Christ into my life as my Lord and Savior. The second event was when I was attending Mt.St. Clare College and some of us student ministry people and two of the sisters went on a week, week and a half trip to help out on a Navajo Indian reservation and we unexpectedly stopped at the home of a family one of the local residents knew. Come to find out their car had broken down and the way they survived was by going about 15 miles down the road to the flea market and selling homemade enchiladas and that kind of stuff. We cleared out the back of the vehicle we were in of the rest of the clothes, shoes and what little canned food was in there. The father of the family said I now know that God truly exist. The third time was when I had people around me telling me to apply to the church for yd job. Since my senior year of high school I felt led to be a youth leader, but just never panned out. Then these friends pushed and now a little over a year later I am sitting back in amazement. Then last night. Watching 3 more of the youth kids make decisions. The same decision I made 20 years ago the decision that has changed my life. They accepted Christ. Just to add a little emotion to the whole thing before last night I had a friend of mine come and pray because I knew Satan would be on the prowl.

With that prayer Satan took a hit after hit as I didn’t allow him to get to me and then those kids and those decisions I am sure didn’t make him happy. Don’t think I don’t see some major workings as we are going to be getting into Good Friday here in a couple of hours.

I sometimes wonder why God would choose me someone not ordained, someone with not a lot of schooling and yet I told God if I got this job it was His youth group and I am just there for Him to use well one of those young people came to me and asked me if I would be the one to baptize them. Oh wow.

Some of the things it seems that God is leading me to and some of the things that I am going through seem so contradictory to each other yet I can kind of see some what where this is going and I am just standing back in amazement going God are you serious. You are going to use someone who is in the middle of major anxiety issues right now and then you go and put that there before me.

Yes there will be a follow-up on this because God has more to add to this story than even I know right now.

5 Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? 6 And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. 7 Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong—not so that people will see that we have stood the test but so that you will do what is right even though we may seem to have failed. 8 For we cannot do anything against the truth, but only for the truth. 9 We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is that you may be fully restored. 10 This is why I write these things when I am absent, that when I come I may not have to be harsh in my use of authority—the authority the Lord gave me for building you up, not for tearing you down.

What are some of your defining moments?

What’s in a Name?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be an heir to a kingdom or to be considered family to a king or royalty of some kind? Well if you are a born again Christian you are. I don’t know how many of you have heard the song My Last Name by Dierks Bently, but I have been thinking about it for the last couple of days.

There is some truth in this song. Check this out: Passed down from generations, too far back to trace I can see all my relations, when I look into my face. If we are truly Christians we should be proud and share with everyone whose child we are. Check out this next line: May never make it famous, but I’ll never bring it shame. OUCH Every single one of us just because we are not perfect do bring it shame, yet maybe we should try harder not to.

Going back to the beginning of the song it starts like this: I learned how to write it, when I first started school some bully didn’t like it said it didn’t sound to cool so I had to hit him and all I said when the blood came It’s my last name. Grandpa took it off to Europe to fight the Germans in the war it came back on some dog tags nobody wears no more. It’s written on a headstone in the field where he was slain It’s my last name. Well think about that in the Christian realm of life. Some people are so willing to give up on having Christ in their name. Well then don’t call yourself a Christian. That is a name that is supposed to mean something.

Well on with the rest of the song: Daddy always told me far back as I recall son you’re part of something, your represent us all so keep it how you got it as solid as it came It’s my last name. Again ouch. Have I left the name of Christ as spot less as when I took the name Christian when I became a born again believer? Can’t say I have now its my job to reclaim it and do better.

So darling if you’re wonderin why ive got your here tonight I wanna be your husband I want you to be my wife ain’t got much to give you, but what I’ve got means everything it’s my last name. Again kind of biblical meaning here too. You know the wedding theme here is like God talking to His bride the church. In fact read these verses.

Revelation 14:1-20 ESV / 7 helpful votes

Then I looked, and behold, on Mount Zion stood the Lamb, and with him 144,000 who had his name and his Father’s name written on their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven like the roar of many waters and like the sound of loud thunder. The voice I heard was like the sound of harpist playing on their harps, and they were singing a new song before the throne and before the four living creatures and before the elders. No one could learn that song except the 144,000 who had been redeemed from the earth. It is these who have not defiled themselves with women, for they are virgins. It is these who follow the Lamb wherever he goes. These have been redeemed from mankind as first fruits for God and the Lamb, and in their mouth no lie was found, for they are blameless. …

He wants us to carry His name yet, we do so good as humans to walk away from it. I don’t know about you, but when I look in a mirror I want to see God, and Jesus in me. I really want others to see God and Jesus in me when they look at me. I don’t want to bring shame to the name of Christ or to other Christians because Christ is in Christians. It isn’t a religion people it is a relationship a relationship where the NAME Means everything.


You know Easter is coming up on us here in about a week and a half now. This verse has been playing in my head a lot.

The message of the cross is foolish to those who are headed for destruction! But we who are being saved know it is the very power of God. 1 Corinthians 1:18

You know this verse really hit me and stuck with me Wednesday night as I helped to bring a new version of communion service to our church. Watching the slide show play through time and time again playing How Many Kings by Downhere it just made me realize why I love Easter.

In being a born again Child of God for 20 years this Easter just seems to be a little more profound to me. One reason is seeing people on Wednesday night being deeply impacted by something that seems so simple. After the last six months to a year God has been able to peek out more and more from behind the things I use to throw up in the way. Because He died on that cross for me I am able to be one of those who is saved through faith because He did that in my place.

God I am so grateful for your willingness to take my place. I don’t deserve the love, grace and mercy that you give me, but at the same time Thank you that I don’t have to die that kind of death. Amen

In the last few weeks I have realized that I have anxiety issues and looking back I am sure that is all part of all those chains and walls that I built up or are continuing to build up. Yet Jesus died to set me free from that and as that verse says “to us who are being saved it is the power of God” talking about being saved from eternal death because of the sinless sacrifice made for me a sinner. This Easter I am going to continue to think about this verse and I am hopefully going to remember how blessed I am to have a God that loves me enough to free me by breaking those chains and by giving me a reminder that He has already taken care of it.

Just an additional thing here: people were disappointed in the turn out for the communion service numbers wise, but in essence it was done for the parents of the kids who we are going to teach about the meaning of communion and for the elders of the church so they could see what was up. It did what I wanted it was intended to do and now we have thoughts to make it better next time and from the sounds of it it may become a yearly event. It is all in Gods hands where it should be.

Tell me what you think about this: here are the lyrics of
“How Many Kings”
Follow the star to a place unexpected
Would you believe, after all we’ve projected,
A child in a manger?
Lowly and small, the weakest of all
Unlikeliest hero, wrapped in his mother’s shawl –
Just a child –
Is this who we’ve waited for? ’cause…

How many kings step down from their thrones?
How many lords have abandoned their homes?
How many greats have become the least for me?
And how many gods have poured out their hearts
To romance a world that is torn all apart
How many fathers gave up their sons for me?

Bringing our gifts for the newborn Savior
All that we have, whether costly or meek
Because we believe.
Gold for his honor, and frankincense for his pleasure
And myrrh for the cross he will suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we’ve waited for?

All for me…
All for you…

This is the song I used to play along with the slide show I am not sure about anyone else, but was extremely powerful to me.